4 weeks from today!!!!!

I woke up feeling like myself again. Honestly, it has been a long time since I have felt this way, so it feels really good! I woke in the middle of the night to Colby climbing into bed with me. He hadn't done this in a really long time, but the past few weeks or so, he has been coming in more and more at night. He is definitely a little nervous about adding a member to the family. I am so glad it looks like we will be snowed in for the next few days. It will give us some good family time to play games, cuddle in front of a movie, and just relax together with no distractions. I am also looking forward to finally giving in to my nesting feelings. I kept them at bay for so long, but now I am ready to get little bit's room set up! Yesterday I bought her the cutest pair of Carole Little shoes. I swear, she already has a silly amount of footwear -but I can't help myself!

So... the count down begins! 4 more weeks!!! Yipee!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

We got our tentative travel dates! Feb 27- March 5th. I am thrilled to have this next step getting us closer to our girl! I can't believe that we will be there in a month!!!!! It looks like we will have an awesome travel group too! Yipee!

Still waiting for TTD's...

I am anxiously awaiting travel information. I emailed our agency last week, as some work plans sort of revolve around knowing when I will be going. I was told that we might find out last Friday, but we did not. I know we will likely travel the first week of March, but I am holding on to a glimmer of hope that we will go with the Feb 15th group. Nothing has gone our way in terms of timing (told we would have an early Nov court date, got one Dec 15, told we would have an expedited second court date, got one Jan 18, etc. so... my hope is pretty minute!) But I keep staring at these pictures of my girl and I just want to have her in my lap!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, hoping, praying, and crossing fingers and toes that we will be going soon!!!!

Moving Forward

I am still on cloud 9... I have a daughter! She has certainly felt like a daughter for many months, but now she's ours for real! My husband picked up the dresser I am having refinished and I am ready to head to the store for paint. I simply couldn't make myself do it before we passed court. I have so many things to get ready in her room; it has literally all been sitting in bags! She has an incredible wardrobe already (buying girl clothes is REALLY fun) but now I am in the mode of gathering practical items. I went to baby gap this weekend and bought a bunch of socks. It is amazing how purchasing socks could delight me so much! (I also just spent 100 dollars on Carol's Daughter hair products!!! Shhhh, don't tell my husband!)

We still don't have TTD's, but I am guessing we will travel the first week of March. It is a bummer that the Embassy is now only allowing 10 children to pass through on any given day, since we would likely have travelled the week of Feb 15th otherwise. We actually have a few days off of school that week, which would have been great since Reilly wouldn't miss so much. It would also allow us to travel to Phoenix at the end of March. I think I will have to table that if we have only been home for a couple of weeks. It might be too much for her to deal with.

Last night I had a really odd dream. I was on a school bus with my family and a bunch of kids. A nanny came on board with a beautiful little girl and the kids on the bus started cheering because Samantha was being handed over to me. I looked at Dennis because it wasn't actually her - it was a different child. I immediately took her in my arms and Dennis leaned over and whispered "It's ok, we'll love her and Sam too". I know where this stems from - given our journey and the bumps along the road, but it was funny that this is still apparently a latent fear in my subconscious.

Anyway, we are just so happy and ready to have cute Samantha home! This part of the wait is harder than waiting for the referral. The wait for court was the worst, by far, as it had so much fear of the unknown embedded in it. Now, it is pure and simple impatience. She is ours and I want to hug and kiss and squeeze her. :)

My Montage 11/24/09 at OneTrueMedia.com

We passed!!!! Samantha Jane is officially a Ring!!!! We are soooooo excited!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Struggling

This adoption process has beaten me. As a self-proclaimed optimist who has always taken life in stride with a positive attitude, I concede. I am depressed, frustrated, and broken. I have been staring at a beautiful face since September - and now have no hope of bringing her home before March - at best. One might think that since a baffling error was made on our case, there would be some effort made to make things move a little faster, but apparently not. As we head into our court date on Monday, I am increasingly on edge and irritable. Now that I know that even if we pass the agency can't get us in front of the embassy until early March (again, at best), I am just torn up. It might have something to do with the fact that I finally boxed up the rest of the baby stuff I had. I also had to pick up a pre school application. How bizarre is that? My "baby" will be in pre school in August. And each day that passes is one less day with her. All of the winter clothes hanging in her closet will likely have to be given away as well. I also had to mentally rule out the spring break trip we were going to take, since likely we will have only been home for two weeks - IF we travel in early March.

I am tired of feeling this way. I can't even bring myself to send in update questions because it hurts. I am tired of people asking me when she will be home and the pithy comments about what a crazy long process this is. My poor girl has been through the ringer, but continues to sit in an orphanage because people can't file things correctly. And why is it the embassy can't hire more people? Clearly there is a need, so there must be money to do so.

I get that there are no guarantees in the process. I knew it would be tough. I knew it would be long. I hear everyone say it is so worth it in the end, and I know that it will be much easier to forget when I have Samantha in my lap. But that still doesn't take away the fact that it is by far the most inefficient, poorly run process imaginable. Sadly, when folks get home with their kids they are willing to forgive and forget, but then it never improves.

So... I am feeling a bit broken today.

May the Tide Turn in 2010

Wow, it is January 2010. How did that happen? It is 27 degrees outside and while I hate to wish away time, I am ready for spring. This was a rough holiday season, and I struggled to hide my sadness. I just couldn't jump whole-heartedly into the holidays without Samantha being home. We started staring at her picture in September! Two weeks from today we head to court again - 5 full weeks after our first attempt. We received that last of the correct paperwork today and have to sign a new referral acceptance letter, since we accepted the referral officially for the 8 month old who is now apparently living with a different family. I think part of my holiday blues was mourning, once and for all, the idea that I am not bringing home a baby. Having held sweet Samantha in my arms, I can't imagine not bringing her home, don't get me wrong. But I had to return the crib bedding and I gave away several outfits I had bought her. The girl is wearing a 3T!!! I know those feelings will vanish when she is finally here and I can concentrate on all that she is, rather than what she is not (or what she was). I was sure when we got the call in September that we would have her here for Christmas. So, her absence just made me sad. Then, we lost the January 6th court date, since our case number changed. The so called "expedited" date they were hoping for is the 18th. I have a friend who went to court two weeks after us, failed, and got a new date 2 weeks before us. What is up with that? I feel like we must have ticked off someone in Ethiopia!!!!!!

I am just ready. Ready for her smile and cute little body to wake me up in the morning with the greatest hugs ever. I can't believe it has been almost 2 months since I have seen her! We got some wonderful pictures (thank you Staci!) and it is great to see her smiling in them all. She is growing up!

So... I will quit whining (ok, maybe not for two more weeks). I pray we pass on the 18th - I will really struggle if we don't.